Entries for April, 2006
i haven't been working as hard as i should for the past few weeks. unconsciously trying to get through each day asap, without accomplishing anything. wasting time, and i've been afraid of coming to terms with the situation. it worries me that my grades might be affected, but it hasn't for some miraculous reason, and i actually think i can pull off this semester pretty well, or maybe that's just the egoistic, purposefully ignorant side of me.
btw, does anybody out there feel that United We Stand is kind of depressing?
anyway, this side of me is actually feeling that United is musically boring, and that the David Crowder Band's "A Collision" is giving me much more music satisfaction. this word bothers me though, "satisfaction", like living i'm living a life just for me, what's in it for me, me me me...it bothers me especially since i just listened to Phil Dooley's message during United's concert on 722. (me me me in the world today: you got your "I"pod, your "I"tunes, your "MY"space..)
(hmm, i feel slightly better alrdy trying to type this down, maybe a reactionary antidote from having nobody to talk to...hint hint) :D
i'm still struggling to reason why i should be doing all of this in the first place. all of this studying, all of this securing-my-future-on-earth work. i'm sorry i have to put you through this again, blog-reader. come pls, tell me i'm wrong, scold me, rebuke me, break me, because i'm as ____ as they get.
i forget alot. and i think people forget alot too. and i think forgetfulness hinders a relationship, it hinders growth. so i guess that's why ppl say you should keep a prayer journal or something. but the other side of me tells me i don't need to. remember him? the purposefully ignorant one.
i've been reading Acts. this book is so cool, seriously! i used to think it was boring with just facts about where the guys went to and how long they stayed in each place. but this is why i think it's cool. I sometimes try to understand the spiritual world, i mean, how it works, how it is manifested in this material world. specifically, how the Holy Spirit works. when the Spirit came upon the Twelve-minus-one, they spoke in other languages and they performed miracles...
power right? so you would figure that they would know the answer to this question right off the top of their heads: should the Gentiles keep with the Law? are they still bound to it? but they didnt! they had to debate about it :O
also, Peter said (not quoting) 'never will i eat of anything unclean', when animals of all kinds were given to him to eat on a sheet-like thingy when he was having a vision from God. and God said do not call anything unclean what I have made clean..something like dat.
i guess it's not just in Acts, but, what i'm trying to get at is, they still didn't know/understand everything about the spiritual world! (new christian mah that time) but they struggled, even when being filled with the Spirit! is "knowing" more "power" than healing/driving demons out?? on a tangent though, I guess it also kind of relates to when Jesus Himself asked if it were possible that He didnt have to die on the cross, but later on that.
lost steam to write. aiyah, so anyway, Acts is cool. 
Written by cap at 12:24 AM.
Owen and Michelle are two kids who used to live with their mom in the house my parents are currently staying in. They're adorable kids; Michelle's seven and Owen's five years old i think.
Anyway, I was just thinking about them and the times when Michelle was reluctant to share her toys with Owen, stuff like color pencils, magic pens, no barbie dolls la...but anyway, yea, she was reluctant to even let her little brother touch her stuff, let alone use them. And when Owen did get to use her magic pen, she would tell him not to waste the ink when she sees him drawing nothing in particular but just doodling with the pen.
It felt like I was watching flashback of myself and my bro when we were their age. Somehow i felt so much like Michelle, especially the "dont waste ink" part. It felt like deja vu, but i couldnt place it to a particular memory. but i felt like i did that before. Oh gosh i was like :O And i asked my parents what i was like when i was a kid just to confirm. was i like Michelle, a selfish kid who wouldnt share his toys?
And my parents said .."Not at all!" in fact i nearly always shared my toys with kp! And then the memories flood my mind hahah! I actually remember those times! I would be admiring a new toy i just got, and kp would be going, "see...see...lemme see..." and i would give it to him. i was an angel.
..or I was disguised as one...
..because I ALSO remembered that it was a ploy i made up so that i could have the toy for longer periods of time! :O you see, after i give it to him immediately, i would ask it from him again after 10seconds. He'd be obliged to return the favor and GI Joe would be in my hands again!! muahaha!! but i think kp wisened up after a few times because he'd ask for the toy again after 10seconds hahah!
but i guess you would have to have a brother who (i think) was very impressionable. i think i remember a couple times when i manipulated innocent little kp by the fact that he copied nearly everything i did. i think he looked up to me or something. i would come up with all sorts of stupid ideas for fun and he would always tag along. but of course, he soon grew out of that. well anyway, i ended up learning that it was fun to share instead..
i also remember times when my parents would favor my bro over me. i would be very judgemental and point out his wrongdoings but my parents seem to not be bothered, but just smile at kp. and my parents actually said in New York that they did just exactly that! :O
but it turned out to be because my nanny loved me more than kp because kp used to have a separate nanny ('cause family friends ma, each take one godson, something like dat i think..) but after a while they decided we would both go to my nanny's for convenience sake..and to make sure kp wouldnt grow up thinking he wasnt loved, my parents portioned a larger piece of affection for him...and screw me up instead! just kidding..but i think they were right, because when i was at kp's nanny's, the situation reciprocated, it was soo obvious she sayanged kp more.
oh btw, i learned in psychology a couple years ago that as a person grows up, his/her personality would go through a cycle, and that adults return to the personality traits that he/she had when he/she were a child! and i think there are two schools of thought: children are born with personality traits already wired in their brain vs children's individual personalities grow from learning and a child is born like blank sheet of paper.
anyway, put disclaimer here, dont quote me la, i'm no psychologist, but i think the former is true lah. so i think if you wanna know how your kid is like when he/she is all grown up, start watching them when young!
Written by cap at 09:58 PM.
jeremy clarkson's gone too far
Written by cap at 12:37 AM.
Written by cap at 01:06 AM.
how i wish linkin park's songs were more karaoke-able
Written by cap at 12:24 AM.
linkin park fans! guess the song titles (tsk tsk..dont cheat..)
1:
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all my shame to the grave I would
2:
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
3:
I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact
That everyone can see these scars
I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
So I, let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I've got
4:
Sometimes I
Feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I
Just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I'm
In disbelief I didn't know
Somehow I
Need to be alone
5:
There are just too many
Times that people
Have tried to look inside of me
Wondering what I think of you
When I protect you out of courtesy
Too many times that I've
Held on when I needed to push away
Afraid to say what was on my mind
Afraid to say what I need to say
Too many
Things that you've said about me
When I'm not around
You think having the upper hand
Means you've got to keep putting me down
But I've had too many stand-offs with you
It's about as much as I can stand
So I'm waitin' until the upper hand
Is mine
Written by cap at 04:39 PM.
hehe i went fishing on friday the week before. it was a field trip for my marine biology class. i hitched a ride with a classmate called RJ (his initials i guess).
on the surface he seemed to me like a regular midwest guy with an original southern drawl in his speech, with a cowboy outlook/attitude on the world. but he's actually quite different from my narrow perception of these country folk.
he's kind of wary with the outside world, always cautious, like he's had some personal experience with how dangerous it is out there. when bad things happen to good people. but when he thinks you're safe/dont pose imminent danger, he's friendly obliging and always willing to lend a hand.
and he likes hip hop. 
and he taught me how to fish hehe.. to be honest, in years past, thinking about people fishing and sticking a worm's gut with a hook grossed me out. i couldnt even imagine touching a slimy/squishy/creepy crawly, let alone forcing a hook head-thru-tail like a sock over you foot. i hate bugs.
but for the sake of my manhood/male ego, i refused to be grossed out. well, it was more like being apathetic about it. yea watever, insect violence/squirt your guts on my hand, yea i've never done it before but i'll stick you again if i have to you slimy PoS. if i could get rid of my sense of touch, it would probably never bother me in the first place.
and i caught seven fish in 20mins. HOW YOU ASK?? stocked pond...hahah! as in, they put the fish in there ever so often. but you can't take the fish home with you. it's a catch n release, run by a conservation agency. yea, so i'm FISHERMAN pRO... hahah!
Written by cap at 05:28 PM.
